I woke up last night to find my hands shaking. I tried to still them by holding them in each other but the tremors continued no matter what I did. I found Mark’s hoodie in the living room closet where I kept the hand warmers. It gave me an idea so I put it on, found my running shoes and pushed open the front door.
I stood on the stairs leading out of my town house for a few minutes. It was 2 am and nothing moved. It was summer yet the chill in the air made me want to run back inside the house for warmth. But I have never turned away from anything in my life, so I put on my wool cap and started to run.
I had no idea where I was going so I let my heart and feet work it out. Soon sweat ran down my back and my knees began to hurt from all the pounding on tarred roads. I stopped to catch my breath and when I raised my head I was standing in front of his house. I waited until my heart stopped racing and my breathing returned to normal. I had given him his keys back but I hoped he was still the same man I showed the door out of my life a few months ago.
The key in the rose bush showed that he still was and I let myself breathe. I cleaned the dirt off my hands and the memories of all the times we had gotten down and dirty to plant his beloved seeds flashed before my eyes.
I let myself in. The house was the same. It felt like I had stepped back in time. The only thing that had changed was the pot of Aloe Vera that sat on his coffee table. It used to sit on my coffee table until four months ago when I had thrown it at the man I loved. It was the same pot, patched up with some kind of material whose source I didn’t want to fathom. It made me smile. And hope. That maybe he could patch up my broken heart too.
I climbed the stairs but I took my shoes off first so he wouldn’t hear. He always slept with a light on and I silently blessed his dear heart for it. I would probably have fallen over Linda if he didn’t.
‘Hi, you old lady,’ I whispered to the dog. She gave me a look that I read to be ‘don’t mess this up’ and so I giggled, patted her 11 year old head, took off the hoodie, got into bed and waited for dawn.
My hands stopped trembling somewhere between when I got into bed and when I woke up to find him staring at me, tears in his eyes.
Song of the day: Ed Sheeran – Wake up